Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
