Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
