found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
