im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
