Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You are the jesus of drinking
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
