We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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