It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
