I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
