I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
cat food counts as protein by the way
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
