Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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