you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
There's always time for handjobs
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
