Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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