Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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