the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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