hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
This toilet bowl is my home.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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