we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
