I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
