I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
