I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize