Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
