I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
