yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
