u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
