Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
