The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
