I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
