i think my tv is drunk
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
