some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize