i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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