Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
