Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
