Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
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