the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
