Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
