guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
