Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
