im having a threesome with these popsicles
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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