my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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