Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
