OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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