I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
