she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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