The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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