Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
