I would go down on you faster than GM stock
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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