You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
