i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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