My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
