Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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