Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
