Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You are a genius and a whore.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
