if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
