Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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