fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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