BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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