I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
