Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
