Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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