I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
