i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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