I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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